As we count down to that most holiest of holidays, Mother’s Day, when we honor those from whence we came, I know there is still some concern about finding Mom that perfect gift to show how much she means to us. A gift that we, her loin fruit, can offer to demonstrate how much we love and adore her, how she inspires and motivates us, and how sorry we are for all we have done to make her rue the day she ever brought us into this world. Though she might have mentioned that she brought us into this world and she’s not afraid to take us out, we continue to mutually exist and thrive.
Now that I’m a mom of a teenager and have mom friends with whom to discuss mom topics such as what moms want for Mother’s Day, I think I can help those still in need of the perfect gift. Here goes:
1. Breakfast in bed – This only works if you have another grown-up or older child to supervise, otherwise Mom emerges into a kitchen that looks like Hiroshima after the big one dropped, and there is no spatula equipped to remove pancake batter and an over-sugared three-year old off the kitchen ceiling. The very first part of this gift might just be the corker, let Mom sleep in. Do not bend, fold, or mutilate her to wake her up. Sleeping in for Moms is usually a treat, so let her go crazy and snooze for an extra hour or two. While Mom is in LaLa Land, make her something yummy. Pancakes are always a hit, especially with cool shapes or her name, or hearts. Use your imagination. French toast, mais oui! Eggs? As long as they are cooked passed the point of salmonella, have at it. Toast with jelly, fruit salad, all kid-friendly to prepare. I’d stay away from Eggs Benedict unless you have a mini Gordon Ramsey who can make a Hollandaise sauce that will stand the test of time, but if you do, tell him to watch his dirty little mouth in the kitchen! Pour Mom some orange juice, and don’t be afraid to ask a grown up to add a little bubbly to make it a mimosa, OR maybe Mom would like a bloody Mary? Don’t judge Mom by her day drinking on her special day!
2. A spa experience – Moms do so much for others, let her have a day which is all about her. Start with a manicure to get the toddler snot out from under her nails, a pedicure so when she is kicking your ass her toes look cute, a deep tissue massage by a brawny Swede named Sven, or a facial to lift some of the worry lines caused by sweating what your dumb ass is up to now, you get the idea.
3. Jewelry – As easy as it is to just go to Kay Jewelers and pick up something Jane Seymour recommends from the Open Heart Collection, resist the urge. First of all, no woman wants the exact same piece of jewelry that everyone else has. Secondly, open hearts are nice, but a better bedazzled symbol of motherhood would be a glittery pair of saggy boobs, or golden stretch marks. Take the time to make a piece of jewelry yourself, she will always treasure it. Just don’t make a brooch!
4. Art – Moms love when you create something just for them. Paint a picture of her as you see her, as long as it’s not naked coming out of the shower when you burst in the door to announce the breaking news that you just farted. Make her look as beautiful as you see her, bonus points if she looks young and thin! Kid-made pottery is always nice, one can never have too many #1 Mom coffee cups or flower vases, but a tiny bong or spittoon is probably not the best idea. Write a poem about her, extolling her attributes by rhyming words like “nice” and “advice”, but never “hits” and “tits”.
5. Plants – As a rule, I think its best not to give mothers anything else which depends on them to survive, they have enough to worry about, thank you very much, but if you must, maybe a nice cactus?
6. New exciting experiences to expand her horizons – Let’s face it, moms can get lost in the day-to-day routines. How about offering her an adventure? Fencing lessons are a blast, let her discover her inner swashbuckler while releasing pent-up aggression. Bungee jumping and sky diving are win-wins for mom and the kids, she will remember the terror she felt before she jumped and maybe that will help her put her fear of you living in her basement when you are in your 30’s in perspective. Would she like to drive a Ferrari and fantasize about owning the Prius driving other moms in the school pickup lane? Trapeze lessons can be fun, but a nightmare for moms with a weak pelvic floor.
7. Solo quiet experiences – How can I put this nicely? Sometimes moms just want to find a little fucking zen, thank you very much, and be alone with their thoughts. Something solely for us where we are only responsible for our own enjoyment. There is a new franchise in the area where I live that offers sensory deprivation floating tanks. You float in the dark for an hour, weightless in the water, alone with your thoughts. Sounds heavenly. Where do I sign up? Guided meditation classes are also great, an out-of-body experience for an hour feels like a two-week vacation when you don’t have a toddler attached to your pelvis.
9. Edibles – Edible Arrangements are pretty much just overpriced fruit on a stick. Have dad order some special brownies from Colorado or Washington. They are Mommy’s happy brownies, she will hide them and enjoy them quietly when needed.
10. Contributions and Honors – Contribute to her favorite charity in her name, adopt a cow in her honor or name a star after her. Moms like to help others, cows need names and everyone likes to leave a legacy.
10. Girls Night Out With Her Girlfriends – Work together with families of your mom’s friends to arrange for the mom group to have a night out on the town. Rent a limo so they can enjoy some adult beverages, and arrange a fun group activity. Winetasting? That sounds classy? Paintball? Who needs kids to enjoy that? Dancing? Cougars gonna prowl on the dance floor. Comedy show? The dirtier, the better. 
12. Coupon book – This is something for teenagers to consider. Remember when you gave Mom that adorable handwritten book with tear out coupons for free hugs and kisses? Make one for your mom with coupons such as: I will not suddenly announce I am vegan on Christmas when Mom spent all day making a standing rib roast/On Hannukah when Mom made a brisket, I will shut the fuck up when I have already annoyed my mother to the point of silence, I will talk to my mom about how my day is for one full minute without rolling my eyes or looking at a tech screen, I will ride in Mom’s car and not act like she is going to drop me at Gitmo, I will thoroughly clean my room and not just stow crap in the closet and under the bed, or I will limit my use of “like” solely to illustrate when something is similar to something else and not as a noun, adjective, adverb or modifier.
13. Give a She Shed – Heard of a man cave? Same premise, but this is an oasis for mom to have some privacy and peace. Like Vegas for moms what happens there, stays there. It can be a place to meditate, luxuriate, create, basically anything that ends in “ate”, yep, even that – stop judging. No one is allowed in the She Shed but Mom.
So go forth and celebrate your momma, give her an extra hug for me. I’ll be missing mine this Mother’s Day, but will look for the star I named after her in the sky and see her there shining down on me.
thesirenofsnark 